Lego Time

 "Wanna watch the boys get off the tablet fast?" Craig asked me. Of course!

"Hey, guys! Who wants to spend time with Daddy?" He called from the dining room.

"I do! I do!" and two of the boys came bounding from the living room.

"Doing what?" asked the oldest, measuring his options.

"Legos."

"Oh, yes, yes, yes!"

After some time, I interviewed them about their projects.

#1 was acting out an animated scenario involving a flooded airport.

#2 was making a box to store hats in

#3 was flying an airplane Craig made. "They can't find China!" he said as he buzzed through the house.

#4 was chewing on her blanket, happy to be surrounded by happy sounds

Craig was supervising and building a blue semi.

And I? I was enjoying some kitchen time while everyone else was otherwise occupied.

The three-year-old travel companion

 One of the myths regarding SAHMs is that they actually stay at home.

Truth be told, they often don't stay at home enough.

This is why I rarely call myself a SAHM. 

I work from home. I farm with my husband. I care for our children. I even educate them from home.

But we DO "get out." 

We "get out" way more than the introvert version of myself would prefer, but I do it in the name of necessity.

Today was Beef Delivery Day. 

We only had three stops, which, for this week (being the Week that it was), was perfect.

Craig delivered one order when he went to an appointment.

I delivered one order en route to piano lesson.

I got home from piano, switched out my passengers, and delivered the last order to West Branch.

Mr. 3-yr-old was delighted to be plucked up out of his slumber & strapped in next to his sister.

And thus the commentary started.

"She's sleeping, Mom. She's SLEEPING!"

"Was that a bridge?" (No, it was a railroad) "I LIKE to be on a railroad! But we need to be a train!" (No, we're not on a railroad, we just crossed it) "But what if a train BONKS into us?!?"

"She yawned. How can she YAWN?  She's awake, Mom. She wants your milk."

"Are we in South Africa? This looks like South Africa."

"What are you eating? Can I have some popcorn too?"

"JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS" 

"How much farther?" 

JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS" 

"How much farther?" JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS" 

"How much farther?"  (10 more Jingle Bells)

"Ok. Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells. I'm going to turn it off now. See, Mom? I'm being quiet. I'm going to sleep now."

"How much farther?"

"I had FUN, Mom!"

KM Photography, Part 2: Selfies

 A favorite pastime of our 3 year old is to grab my phone & take pictures (one of the few things he can access without unlocking it).

Most recently, he has discovered selfies.

He's still perfecting his technique, but he has a few tips we can all learn from.

Tip #1: Don't position the camera too far away

Tip #2: Keep your chin up.

Tip#3: Stripes in motion add some interest

Tip #4: Try featuring a variety of facial features, vs. whole face shots. 

Tip #5: Covering half the lens with your finger helps hide potentially embarrassing background clutter

He lives this motto: 

Wear a smile,

Share a smile!

I hope you found these tips helpful!

Until next time...

Remembered

 It's hard to believe that half a lifetime ago, I was 20. Full of hopes and dreams and ideals and ambition, I was determined to never settle into one of those surly, pessimistic, BORING adults. Hello? There's LIFE to be lived!

I lived it up in my 20s. Helped run my parents' bakery, got my pilot's license, got my RN license, traveled the world, and let a few friends crack the code to access the Real Me.

Then I hit 30. The 30's walloped me on every side with changes and griefs and shifting identity. Thankfully, by that time, I had a kind-hearted man to walk the journey with me. But somewhere along the way, in the abyss of grief and change, I lost sight of who I was.

Finally, now that I'm 40, I feel like maybe the fog is clearing. I'm starting to remember who I am. I hope my 40s have some of the energy of my 20s, but seasoned with some wisdom from the School of Hard Knocks.

The past few weeks have had multiple really impactful moments of reconnecting with friends who knew me as me. Before I was muddling through All This Stuff. They knew my imperfections back then, but managed to love me anyway. And they still do.

I have not done well at maintaining consistent connection through the years, so it feels really powerful to reconnect and feel Known.

It is one of the harder things about living in a community that is still becoming "home" to me: to not feel Known. There are some things that it's nice to not have everyone know about me 😜, but sometimes, I crave to be known, without having to explain. 

Thank you, God, for Life Friends!

Through the Darkness

Sometimes, we don't grasp how dark is the tunnel  we're in until we realize the pinpoint of light we have followed is growing. The blackness fades into shadows. The shadows morph into shapes with such intense slowness that the change is incomprehensible. Suddenly, we realize we CAN see. The things we thought had vanished were only invisible because of the invasion of The Dark. 

We dread to see ourselves in the mirror, because, in this journey through The Dark, we have picked up a whole lot of mud, and obtained some really deep, jagged wounds. Some of the wounds have festered and need medical attention. 

Sometimes,the light grows as we plod slowly toward it. We force one foot in front of the other, and move toward the light.

Sometimes, the sun rises on us, where we are, and The Dark is forced to leave (for a few hours, at least).

When the light becomes bright enough to find the mirror, we don't even recognize the person (IS there actually a person hiding in that big, smelly mass?) we see in the glass.

____

As I crawl toward the light, I realize a bit more how deep The Dark that I am wriggling my way through.

The past 10 years have led me through a quagmire of compounded grief as I faced, within three years, the loss of my Dad and 3 babies I never got to meet. In addition, there have been financial hurdles and learning curves in business and in parenting, and I have had to learn more about ASD than I ever wanted to need to know. Oh, and hormones. Lots of hormones. 

The tunnel became a dungeon. 

The Dark really likes dungeons.

But The Light is stronger than The Dark.  

The shadows are fading into shapes of things I know well.

I am starting to recognize myself again, as I move about in my own body.

When I smell fresh bread baking in my kitchen, and see the words tumbling onto the screen into sentences that are at least semi-coherent, I know I am still me.

I have wounds and scars, and layers of crust to work through, but I'm still me.

Me, on a journey.

___

Thank God for The Light!!!